Stir well, until crazy

Two days up,
Two weeks down.
Mixed episode, Mixed episode, lost count.
Three hours up, two down, two up,
Mixed episode again..
Two hours up, two days down..
Etc, etc, etc.
Rapid cycling is not given to record keeping.
Half a day up, 3 weeks down, 4 days up…
Blur. Blur. Blurrrrrrr.
Insanity, Insanity, Insane.

Smile Alice, we’re just getting started.

way too many feels..

RAGE

My scream is unending, violent and weighed down by desperation.
Vocal chords stripped raw, and my head and my heart, not designed for such things, demand from me a heavy toll.

FRUSTRATION

That my scream is so high pitched, elevated by emotions I can no longer describe, that no one can hear me.
Just wind in the wind, another bullet with butterfly wings.

REGRET

For the life I never lived. Cannot live. Will never live.
For the wonder of love and loss, of amazing joy and sorrow, that I will never have.

MISERY

Not because I am not who I wanted to be,
But because I am someone that I wanted to never be.
Someone I wouldn’t want anyone to be.

SHAME

Because I am too weak to bear it in silence.
Because I am too weak to bear it at all.

HYSTERIA

Sick, cruel, mocking laughter, at the biggest joke of all: Myself.

They say if you don’t laugh, you cry.
I’m doing both..

one or the other

You gave me a lengthy look,
And then you took
Heaven away.
But hey, that’s OK.
Then before I knew, I fell,
And you showed me hell,
And that was ok too.

One or the other, I’ll acclimatize.
Learn to balance, to be wise,
But only one.
Only one.
I never know, if I’ll stay or when I’ll go.

It’s dizzying,
Tied to this piece of string
Of a child,
Whose temperament goes wild.
Unable to control
Their yoyo.
My life.
My yoyo. So,
I never know, when I’ll stay or if I’ll go
Up or Down.

And bouncing in between,
Never finding my feet,
Is a sickening carnival ride
That’s strangely incomplete.
So very unbalanced inside.

To have one or the other,
Or sometimes both: confusing.
Too much emotional bruising.
The reverse of a junkie
Wanting their next fix.
Not me, no, no, not me,
I don’t want, I don’t want,
I don’t want it.

What if I find that I just can’t take,
I can’t stand any more and I finally break?
My mind to my Wonderland then take,
Put a ‘vacancy’ sign on my forehead,
Sit by the marshmallow lake.

Well we always knew I was crazy,
It was never a question of maybe.
Now all they ever ask of me:
“At this very moment, what is she?”