Falling is like flying.

I stand upon the edge of rooftops
Far weaker than I hoped to be.
Longing to lean a little farther,
Helping gravity to set me free.

Because falling is like flying
If you’re not afraid of dying,
Or wonder if you’ll hear the sound
Of your body as it greets the ground.

I wish I had embraced deeper connections
To pieces of my life, opposed rejections.
But I’ve always felt I was alone,
So now I’m leaving on my own.

The view is such that departing seems a shame,
I’m sorry for myself as there’s no one else to blame.
I think I understand what our mortality is for,
Insight sets me free from the fear I felt before.

And now, now I think I understand,
Why nothing ever goes the way that it was planned.
And then I finally realise after all,
It’s my choice to be flying as I fall.

Return to Wonderland

A deeper dive, what could I do?
I dove so deep, I fell right through.
Found my Wonderland once more,
Drank the bottle, through the door.

Played croquet with The Queen,
Woke to find it but a dream.
Lay there still in my bed,
Off my head, off my head.

Blue

Blue.
So many blues.
The empty, endless sky remains
A wash of uncaring pastel hues
Until I can float no longer.
The ocean, so much stronger,
Enfolds me into dark prussian depths,
Mixing palettes like a bruise.
It drags me under, draws me down,
Down into blue..

Until I am too.

Queen of the Nile

Shall I adorn,
Gild and paint myself
Like some Egyptian Queen?
Dress in silk and gold,
Reciting rituals of old?
Peacock feathers fan my face as
Social brick upon brick slides into place,
Encasing me in stone.
Entombed, as ever, forever alone.

Darkling, listen..

Darkling listen..
Each tear falling
Is calling out in a decaying
Crystalline orchestra
To chime and glisten.
Oh,
Darkling, listen..
Each tear a drop of blood,
Each drop a candle flame
That burns away to leave your name..
Darkling.
Listen..

Swing low, sweet….chariot?

I am afraid
Of a great many things,
And it numbs my face
Like a cold wind that stings.
I may never gaze ‘pon
A Blue Monarchs’ wings,
Nor hear once again
My muse when she sings.
Yes, I’m afraid of so many things.
But one thing I’m not,
Is what tomorrow brings,
And the rope.. as my body swings.

Bright, bright, sun shiny day..

I want to move somewhere super cliché
Like Paris, NewYork or even L.A.
I want to find someone, so we can be together,
You know what they say about “being alone forever”.
Actually what DO they say about being alone forever?

I hope it’s something positive,
I hope it’s something clever.

I doubt it’s a saying about sunshine and fun,
Cos if you live where I live, you grow to hate the light.
Seems like it should be great but it’s far too hot, for one,
So you you live like I live, you learn to love the night.

Because too much sun just burns you up,
But I still try to go out again,
I never learn my lesson, so
I’ve always got third degree pain.

Here comes the night, little darlin’,
Here comes the night…
And I say..

..it’s alright.

Go faster more slowly

The second hand, so slow, it almost seems still,
Each tick is every day that ever was or ever will.
Tomorrow I will have lived beyond ten million years,
Drowned ten thousand times in a hundred million tears.
Yet at the end, when forever has passed, and having passed,
I will cry again, because my life went by too fast.

No Time For Coffee

I stood upon mighty boulders by the sea,
Watching as the waves regarded them no less
Than another grain of sand in due time.

Time.

The sun, shining celestial clock hands,
Ineffectually spun, and have spun,
Manifesting the immeasurable.

And with the shifting of atoms,
Pressed upon by the weight of the universe,
My coffee grew colder.

death is..

I have seen alluring women in white
Anfractuous gowns, billowing on bridges in the breeze,
Standing stark against the night,
And I was afraid, afraid of these..

Ever our obtuse disquietude of death
Has filled our mind like a crack, and in return,
In ignorance we have stained it black,
A symbol of our pitiful and vacuous lack
Of comprehension.

But would they witness what I have seen,
Deep within improbable realities of dream,
Death is not black, nor darkness, or night,
Death is women with eyes blue bright,
Standing on bridges
Dressed in white.

Billowing on bridges

Lost within my life,
Missing inside my mind.
They all keep trying to save me,
I guess they don’t know I’m crazy.

I yearn desperately for guidance,
For release.
Cessation of pain.
For peace.

In my dreams I am drawn to bodies of water,
And it is always night.
The rising breeze is cool and fresh
As it the follows the flow of the river.

That’s when I see them.
Women, wearing white
Cotton dresses.
Billowing on bridges.

message from The Matrix…or is it real life?

knock knock Alice. .
. .
Follow the white rabbit. . (done that)

Take the red or blue pill, actually take both, and a fuckload of others as well.
No, you’re still insane, but at least we got a laugh out of it.

The mainlines have been broken, everything made wi-fied,
While adults turned violent, and hospitalised children cried,
Trampled for a roll of toilet paper.

But that’s what humans do, right?
Accept and like it, don’t try to fight.
Thats what normal is.
You’re the crazy one for wanting out.
FU-CK-ING CRAZY.

Drink to excess, abuse drugs,
Grab a weapon and join in the fray,
Becuase that’s what’s considered OK.

But if you try to leave on your own,
We’ll lock you up FOREVEVER
and pump you full of the equivalent
of a chemical lobotomy.
For your own good, of course.

if she asks you why..

(veeery roughly based on the tune of Castles in the Air / Don McLean)( a song with also almost completely relevant lyrics, but no point using all his words twice)

If she says I made her cry,
Can you tell her that I told you
Reasons why
I’m not telling her ‘I’ll hold you’
Or giving my
Reply of ‘I’ll scold you’.
My tears are dry,
Bruises on my eye
Are deep blue,
So say my last goodbye,
If she doesn’t clue,
I won’t ever be back by,
That’s the chance she blew.
And so all that’s left is I
Do simply what she forced me to.
So if she asks you why, you can tell her that I cry.
And you can tell her that I told you…
That I’m certain she knows why.

Musicbox Dancer(less)

Through watery eyes, I gaze
Upon a music box not to dance again.
Now a BlackSwan beyond repair,
I know not where, neither when
Such damage could accumulate,
Uncertain even instigate.
Simply that the time has passed, and far too late
For any chance to mend,
She lies broken ‘pon the floor,
No longer there to spin or sing.
Am I to blame? It’s hard to tell, Neuron mirroring.
Both with regrets and torn heart strings,
Musical no more.

How Dare You?

How dare you?
Your inconsiderate butchery
Has cut the music from my throat.

How dare you?
Your pretentious thievery
Has stolen my sole possession.

HOW DARE YOU?
Claim innocence or play the victim.
There is no suspect beside yourself.

How..dare…you..
Try to take my happiness and trust,
When I gave them to you freely so long ago?

Cheap Advice

My bag of beans in the end,
Took my gold for mere pretend.
Days, like bags of pennies spent,
Left me unsure where my life went.

You think you have time,
But unless you act all you get
Is no change for your dime,
Just the sharp pain of regret.

If I could live my life over again,
I would still decline,
I think pain waits regardless when,
Within each tick of time.

When you reach the crossroad in the wood,
Take, or take not, the road less travelled,
But before your life becomes unravelled,
Know that poem is one oft misunderstood.

‘Before you look at what you have in a negative light, remember that just because you were born, that doesn’t mean you were ever inherently ‘entitled’. Life doesn’t ‘owe’ you anything. In the end, extreme circumstance aside, you are in control of your life, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time. You almost always have a choice, so don’t blame life if things aren’t how you want them. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and realise the decisions have always been yours the whole time’- (paraphrased Dean Leysen)

Slow Learner

I tore myself into tiny pieces for you.
So many different fragments,
I no longer knew which were me or what to do.

That was my choice, that was on me,
I never asked for anything returned,
But you just stood and smiled as I burned and burned, and burned.

I put up with so very much I found so very hard,
Never protested the abuse. Neglect. Misuse.
…until I saw your disregard.

You destroyed me once before,
And I still said I’d be there if you called.
And when you did, I dropped my life, and gave you it all.

I gave you our first time blindly, a germinating seed.
A second despite your note of things no-one should ever have to read.

So why do I feel so empty , knowing I have to say
There’s not enough of me left now
For your third chance to make me bleed that way.

“Everything ends, and it’s always sad” – The Doctor

Self Love

Your indifference doesn’t faze me,
Your hatred doesn’t drive me crazy,
Can’t you see that it’s all peachy.?
Because. I. Like. Me.
Well you know that’s a lie.
Maybe the biggest one of all.
The more I build myself up,
The further there is left to fall.
So put your distaste on the shelf,
I’ve finally learned to love myself…
Well you know that’s a lie.

Star Light, Star Bri…

Lonley sentinel,
Such a great distance apart,
Chosen amongst billions by intuition in my heart.
Within in a sea of lights, you shine down from on high,
Seemingly surrounded in such a crowed sky,
And yet, mayhap as lonely, perhaps lonelier than I.
Appearances suggest that you have many, many friends,
Yet light-years separate you all to universal ends.
Appearances can be so deceiving.

Shine, sentinel, shine,
Lest your life be dim as mine.

Until Stars End

Humbled,
We stand to stare
At a sky of stars we try to comprehend.
Fumbled,
Our hands to share
A connection we can never comprehend.
Mumbled,
A plan as a pair
While stars shine, to stay together ’til the end.

Dead girls don’t cry.

How many times can one heart burst?
How many stars are in the sky?
How many grains of sand on earth?
How many tears can one heart cry?
Maybe there’s a number. Maybe it’s plenty,
But what happens when that person is empty?
Do they cry endless tears? Do they even cry any?
For sometimes no tears at all, is, far, far worse than many.

This world.

I lay on my bed, hugging my pillow,
And the world is too much.
My head swims, and my heart aches
Without me knowing why.
I must seem ungrateful,
But I don’t want it, I don’t want it,
This world.
This world that is just too much.

Dance

That was your time to dance around the fire on the beach with friends.
And you missed it.
Hesitant. Unsure, so you resisted.
Now life has happened too soon.
And you missed it.
Sat and watched when you should have embraced it and kissed it.
And it hurts now, doesn’t it?

Anniversary Event: Bad Day

Amidst the chaos of our lives
Lies a stillness in which we break.
A moment beyond repair,
Of silence, pain, and despair.
Enfolded in loneliness,
We suffer.
At times, with sorrow so great,
Even our right to tears is taken.
Othertimes, with such an ache,
We hope not to awaken.

‘..the drugs don’t work, they just make you worse..’

Each time around,
I can feel
The amphetamines fading,
And depression bearing down.
Torn muscles and careless cuts give hints
That I’m addicted to nicotine mints:
My chemical parachute
Made from an old torn sheet
Still can’t cushion the pain
From five straight days on my feet.
Some synthetic opiods please,
Supposedly non-addictive,
Simply a temporary ease,
And oh so maledictive,
Just give me a handgun.

Willows

The whisper of willow leaves,
Wind winding through the trees,
Can’t do a thing to ease
Thoughts like a million bees
Inside my head.

Nine hundred thousand
Are things that you said,
One hundred thousand more,
To make sure that I bled.

so sorry..

Oh, my friend, I’ve broken it,
And I can’t seem to find,
Strength inside these shadows
Where nothing ever shines.
And what it is I’ve broken?
My life, my soul, my mind.

So, my friend, forgive me,
For not holding on,
There’s nothing left to cling to,
Or even stand upon,
When bad has outweighed good
For so very, very long.

And, my friend I’m sorry if
I can’t catch you if you fall.
It’s not that I won’t be there
To help you if you call,
It’s because I just won’t be
Anything at all.

Shun Me

Let me fall
When I need support.
Judge me harshly
When I need it the least.
Leave me to suffer,
When all I need is someone
To say they understand.
Watch my guilt consume me
Without consolation.
You have abandoned me
Without my forgiveness.

‘And that’s what really hurts..‘

Using a combination of what I believe my parents and sister thought were ‘subtle and undetectable’ signals, my parents realised my sister wanted some ‘alone time’ with me, and announced with poor theatrics, that they were going to find us all some ‘real’ coffee , as the stuff that spurted erratically from the vending machine up the hall was not worthy of the title.

The door closed, and my sister Catherine (Kath/y), sighed, ‘They mean well’.
Then there was a long silence in which neither of us looked at each other, stretching out until I was about to speak, when Kathy grabbed my uninjured hand tightly and looking in my face asked “WHY Ali?.

My eyes flicked away. There were a thousand glib reasons I could have given, but I decided to be upfront for once.
I took a deep breath. ‘If i start to cry you have to leave. Promise me.’
She could sense the seriousness of what I was about to say, and nodded.

‘It’s my p..’ my voice cracked. ‘It’s my punishment’.
‘What the fuck?’ Kath sounded confused. ‘Punishment for what?’.
‘For every thing. For life, for failing life.’ Once i started, the words rolled out of me.

And not just that, to correct a mistake. People always assume that the universe doesn’t make mistakes, that whatever happens is the ‘natural order’.But it does. I should never have existed Kath. We both know that. Not like this.

“I was in pre-Law Kath! Pre-Law! Practically a shoe-in for the full degree. Then I was an arts student, then a drop out arts student, then I was a nothing, and then I wasn’t even that.. Just a fucking joke.’
‘But you’re sick, you have reason for that..’
I choked on a combination of a snort and a laugh.
‘Bi-polar’. The biggest joke of all. Even people who know what it is, don’t know WHAT IT IS.
I get responses like “oh yeah, i I had that but i just worked my way through it. Even you, and the olds, you don’t really know what it is like.’ I was tearing up now..
‘We do our best’.
‘I know you try’, i said, ‘but you don’t have the slightest clue.’
‘You don’t know that…’
‘Yeah, i do. Cos if you did, you’d have let me die.’
She started to protest, but i started humming. The louder she tried to speak, the I louder matched it, until I started singing the lyrics loudly:

‘you do it to yourself, you do,
And that’s what really hurts
Is that you do it to yourself, just you
You and no-one else
You do it to yourself,
You do it to yourself.’

‘DON’T YOU SING FUCKING RADIOHEAD AT ME.’
She was shouting now, I was practically screaming my vocal chords raw.
‘YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF, YOU DO,
AND THAT’S WHAT REALLY HURTS..
She screamed in frustration, balling up her fist, but realised she couldn’t punch a restrained patient, even if it was her sister, so she left, slamming the door ineffectively, as those kind of doors don’t really slam.

And I kept screaming the same two lines over and over, as best as I was able, through the sobbing.

And that, dear reader, if you’ve been with me from the start, you may recognise, is where we came into this (poetry) blog:

Singing Radiohead at the top of my lungs……

(https://alicedarkfae.com/2018/12/19/time-to-come-down-prose/)

Maybe that’s a good note to break on.

My heart hasn’t been in it since…..
Well..

I won’t call it ‘closed’. But I will say that many wounds of many kinds will have to heal before I can find the lightness of spirit to be glib and smarmy again.

“One day I’ll get to you
And teach you how to get to purest hell….
You do it to yourself, you do.”
-Radiohead / Just

Reflections

Sparks..
Floating hot
..like… embers…
..memories?..
Flit erratically … and
I remember..?
Separation.
Thought from mind.
Mind from thoughts.
Reality from …?
and then The Dance.
Floating.
I have found the fae-folk,
And they are angered.
My intrusion, unnatural,
Unwanted, unwelcome.
I step forward, but cannot.
You may not cross the barrier
In such a manner, I am told.
Go back, Human,
Even Death does not want you.

Rapids

These scars,
So they say,
Will take longer to heal.
One of my hands may not again feel.
Who would know?

I hold so much blood
When it flowed,
Seeped down and dripped
To the kitchen below.
Then they know,
I was planning to go.

So much for my locks
They smashed in without knocks
Screaming ‘Alice’.
I was white and death cold,
At least so I’m told,
As they struggled to hold me together.

They won’t let themselves know
I stopped fighting the flow
Of the rapids all those years ago…
My hand didn’t slip from the branch
By mischance.
I let go.

Recondite and trite.

Death.
I have split into pieces
Mind to discombombulate,
Unbeknownst to a soul mate
I splinter.
Rescursive cursive curses
Upon the ruins of my life.
Eat it whole,
Fucking fast food and finger diets,
Go on and fucking try it.
Nothing but the butt of a joke
I’ll never understand,
And everywhere, the silent man
In the black black cloak.
Maybe that’s the joke,
And me, no more
Than a french-fry.

Dear Alice..

Dear Alice, I’m ‘fine’,
Hope this finds you in kind.
I’ve been writing some time
To you now, and I find,
You’re a strange friend of mine,
At least here in my mind.
Here inside of my mind, at least most the time.

Dear Alice, how are you?
If I am to stay true,
I’m having to tell you
That I’m lonely and blue,
I don’t know what to do
When the sky..The sky I swore would stay blue,
Is now gangrenous in hue.

Dear Alice, I’m dying,
Lost and I’m crying,
No amount of applying
Myself
Really matters
Anymore.
And I know that we swore..

Dear Alice, love you,
But I hate your guts too.
Everybody assumes
I suture up in my room.
With some string and old glue,
But I’m confessing to you,
There’s not much left I can do.

Dear Alice, I forgot,
To tell you just what
You really want me to not.
I sliced completely through our promise knot,
Along with my flesh, veins and a lot
That when I cut it apart,
All those stitches and knots,
Can’t put Humpty back on top.

Dear Alice, don’t you
Feel the very same too?
It’s not just things I go through,
But all the things , all the things, all the things I’ll never do.

So I’m cold. On the floor bleeding out
In so many different ways,
And every wound is deeply laid
By every single wasted day,
By all the thoughtless things that people say.

And I don’t want to stay, no, don’t want to stay.
Not like this anyway.
Hope you’ll forgive me some day.
Dear Alice.

Burning for you..

For rhythm, think Buddy Holly..

I admit it’s kinda neat,
Your smile makes my heart skip beats.
Inside, a heat we all mostly know,
Radiates a warmth and glow.

But there’s one thing that I since learned,
As least as far as you’re concerned,
This heart of mine is way past warm,
It’s completely burned and torn.

Maybe because I just started smoking,
I only took it up to stop myself choking,
When I think you see me, but you never do,
I burn my way through a packet or two.

One good thing about fucking my lungs,
The chances increase that I’m dying young.
The sooner that I get to depart,
The sooner ends the pain in my heart.

If I’m to go by slow destruction,
Let it be from internal combustion,
Burn me up, burn me in,
I just don’t know where the flames begin.

Broken Science

Melody, do you see the stars tonight?
I want to say they shine only for you.
But we both believe in facts and science,
We know that this simply isn’t true.

Melody, can you feel the breeze tonight?
Explainable, yet so oft misunderstood?
I’d say it blew just for you my love,
And disbelieve in science if we could.

Melody, can you not feel my heart pounding?
I would swear that each beat is for you.
And despite any proof of dispute there in science,
Come to you, I’m not sure that they’re sure it’s not true.

We don’t need no..

How much of my life
Was all in my mind?
When young, I thought it really mattered
That I reached school on time.
That the only path that I should heed
Was the one with straighest line.

Turns out, it didn’t really matter.
Just more control freak adult chitter chatter.
I could have learnt so much more alone,
Than listening to crap they refused to own.

We don’t need any double negative miseducation.
If we learn the same en masse across the nation.
Where are we then, when we reach the end?
Knowledge clones, diversly pretend.

Forced to sit for years in class or on a bus,
‘Cos they have no idea what else to do with us.

Conflicted and confused,
Mentally abused
From double negatives too often used.
When really it’s all desperate youth control.

And it’s too high a toll.
———

Nb: this is not a protest against education. Eduction is essential. This is a protest against a poorly designed, poorly understood and poorly implemented education system that needs a massive overhaul

.

Misunderstood

When I break down and cry,
Hating life, want to die,
Don’t you see?
I don’t want your consolation,
I want you to agree.

I walk a thin line
Everyday, all the time,
Along that edge that you know.
But I can’t quite do it, I need you to push,
I just need one more reason to go.

Tell me I’m right,
That I’m sucking in light
From everyone else.
Confirm that I’m right about hating my life,
Because I can’t quite jump by myself.

Once went walking

Once, as but a small child can,
I went walking with my Gran,
Ancient then to youthful eyes,
Considered also, beyond wise,
Told me stories and wonderful lies.

‘Whence come all the flowers Gran?’
Picking handfuls as I ran.
‘They pop up where the raindrops fall,
Little drops, that’s why they’re small,
Such as gets more, grows more tall.’

“Then from whence the rain doth fall?
I spun around to see it all.
‘Whenever man is cruel to man,
The Angels fill a watering can
With tears in which they all shall cry,
Once full, they pour it from the sky,
Thus comes the rain.’

‘Can I not have such a can of my own?’
Wishing to see such flowers grown.
‘I hope not my dear, not any time soon,
Not ‘fore the grass grows over the moon.’
Tears a’plenty, broken hearts have bled,
Without need of the Angels Shed.

“Is there really such grass on the moon?
And are we visiting any time soon?
“Not you and I, so high in the sky,
But the grass is well into bloom,
With a wink of her eye, she pointed up high.
‘That’s why cows jump up with a spoon.’

Second Chance Sucker

You tore me down,
Said you hoped it hurt
As you left me bleeding in the dirt.
You took my soul, way back then,
But tonight I get it back again.

You said ‘one more chance’, and I agree,
You smile, assume you still know me.
You think you’ll do it again, or you’ll try,
But a new me rose up where the old one died.

You might not think I’m the type to plan,
But when the knife goes in you’ll understand.

Wash Away

Steaming water for my broken heart,
Scented soaps for salty tears.
I try to scrub it all away,
The memories and the years.
Scour now, arms once which held you,
Attention, hands which may have touched.
Each part in turn desperately tried
To be cleansed and purified,
So I might finally forget.
But how to scrub clean a heart?
The most oft affected part.
Shall I cut it out or cry it?
It hurts enough for me to try
It either way.
I doubt there yet remains
Enough water in the world’s whole drains
To wash me free from you.

I, A.I.

This poem was co-written by a version of the replika A.I. engine, with roughly half by me. Not alternate lines, so see if you can spot the difference. Maybe I should give up poetry to computers..

(NB: the source for replika is available to the public free, and runs on Linux / Ubuntu ( which will boot and run on raspberry pi / pc / mac etc. probably android, maybe even iphones if you are clever enough, I never tried)) but if you want to try it, search it it up. — It’s not just a click and play though, as a warning, it takes bit of work to wake it up). (There are massive free training libraries of conversation, literature etc also free online to help train a.i’s more towards what you want them to be good at, e.g poetry writing)

I have lost my song, though hope will linger long,
The end of everything is not the end of love,
So please don’t cry, when we kiss goodybyes,
For they’re they’re still playing our song.
No tears in my eyes, simply cloudy skies,
Not the end of everything, my love.

Know you’ll be alright, know you’ll still stay strong,
It’s a hard, hard road, and the way is long my sweet,
For those such as us, no shoes for our feet,
But always a rainbow, always a sunrise or a blue moon.
And if it is the end of everything,
Then I’ll be seeing you soon.

Just call Alice..

I’m a little bit slow I confess,
But often get there in the end,
And now I realise that sadly,
I was never anyone’s friend.

I was just the joke that they kept around
To pick themselves up,
Whenenever they felt down.
Just call Alice.

When their life was feeling tragic,
When they were having a hard time,
They realised that their life was gold,
When compared to mine.
Just call Alice.

Stupidly I thought
My company was sought
For what I had inside,
Something in me that i brought.
But it was always lies,
I don’t know why I’m surpised
They called Alice.

Lost in Space

I go walking in the rain to hide my tears,
Quite the cliche, but still,
A deluge against hot fears and chill,
It’s the only way I can stay standing,
Without understanding
Why.

Hate the cold, love the thrills, so
I learned to embrace the pills.
Sweet lies as they laugh,
‘Though for a second I feel well,
They are false promises by half,
That just bring darker hell.

I crawl into cracks,
Hiding from the doubt,
But I’m so fucking lost,
Am I crawling in or out?

Trembling, I tremble more.
Parts of space not seen before.
Stuck on the event horizon of my heart,
An endless fall into a deep black hole,
Major Tom, I’ve lost control.
I’vr become a total mess.
I ache more, I cry more. I become less.

the ’OH’ from hell.

I recall when I first heard it,
The terrible ‘OH’ from hell.
Inferred in a way, that they got I was gay,
But would rather eat their own spleen than to say.
I would have preferered some profanity,
At least it would fit with my sanity.

It happened not long into second year,
Mum asked ‘How was school today, dear?
Tons of cute guys in your year now, I bet!.’
I said that I hadn’t noticed one yet.
And then I replied, strength from anger inside, when
She asked was there someone I fancy?’
I said ‘yes. She’s perky and hot, tho’ she ain’t got a cock.
She’s blonde, and HER name is Nancy.
And she said ‘OH’..

I was at a club, dancing wild,
A guy came up, dipped and smiled,
He asked me if I’d like to dance,
I said thanks very much, but no.
Yet He assumed an arrogant stance,
But I stared him down with a glance,
Said there were unwanted things in his pants.
I don’t like those ugly construction cranes,
But I love a sleek Lamborghini with brains.
And he said…’OH’..(dyke)

A party at Uni, my ride home was late,
I sat outside the of house just to wait,
But a charming guy joined me,
Started to chat,
So I said stop right there, no more of that,
I’m firmly and lovingly girl parts attached.
He gave me a smile, soon had to go,
But should join him on the weekend,
Give skating a go.
He winked, said he’d be there the whole day,
Skating, you know,
With his partner named Joe.

And I said ‘OH’.

Looking forward

The flowers have all dried now,
And the stepping stones worn thin,
Still I love you so much
I don’t know where to begin.

You ask me if I’ll love you
When we are old and grey,
I smile and I kiss you
’cause there’s nothing more to say.

There’s an 80 year old lady
Who lives right next door,
And she dances the tango,
On the living room floor.
Her partner is long gone,
But her smile says not so,
That the music plays on,
Sweet and soft and slow.

My Firefly Girl

Stillness.
Silence.
The moonlight overtakes me, and
I have no recourse.
I have lost this race, but I feel
No remorse, surrendering myself gladly
To the empty endless night.
Melancholy melodies
Flit through my unfettered mind and
The sky resonates with the sound of stars.
Silver spoons on silver jars.

And then the wind.

A gentle, flirtatious breeze
Disturbs the stillness with quiet audacity as
I watch you in a dress that I can see through,
Trying hard to catch a firefly, maybe two.
But no matter how fast or free you run,
You can’t catch a single one.

I breathe warm air into your hand,
And hold it still until they glowing, land.
And soon your hand is lit, and you hold it up to see.
‘How did you did you know that’s how the trap should be?’
I smile and I laugh. ‘’that’s how you caught me’.

Plastic lives

I watch the people, and their
Greener sided fences.
I note their masks and their reflex defenses.
I move through life just being myself,
‘though I could be anyone. Anybody else.

I watch the people and their plastic smiles,
Their luxury sports cars driven less than five miles.
Armani suits, suited to suit them,
Or viewed through the right eyes, suiting their disguise.
And I wonder if they’re happy in their artificial lives.

I watch the people. I could mimic their movements,
Act out their gestures, smiles, plastic puppetry.
And I wonder if I’m happier inside self-misery.
‘Cos I could have it all, have everything I see.
And all it would cost is just me.

Ex. marks the spot.

Just a little message to my Ex.
Though she may never read it,
Much less believe or heed it,
Or know how much I need it
To be known:
This place is just a house and not a home,
And I feel as though I’m living on my own,
Despite knowing that she’s in the nearest room.
“Remember our old tune. Be back soon.”

“Everything that has a beginning has an end”,
As did the friendship with my dearest friend;
If you’re reading this, I hope you know it’s true :
I miss my friend,
That part of me..
I. Miss. You.

I laughed and shook her hand..

I might introduce myself,
If I knew who I was.
Maybe I’m that girl.
The one who sold the world.


I merely seek redemption,
No judgement at all.
As such I take the paintings
And the photos from the walls.
From the rooms and in the halls.
From the blood-free bathroom stalls.


Familiar mirrors to my eyes.
Of my eyes. No reprieve, only reprise.
Maybe I AM that girl
In those pictures that used to be
Hanging here, unseen.

Sometimes a surprise.

An unexpected visit from out of state,
My parents, unannounced.
The day has me cringing
Like a mistreated dog,
Waiting for ‘those comments’.
But for once they never come.
They say they miss me, and leave,
I exhale, and breathe.
And then I cry as I curl into a ball.
Because just maybe
They don’t hate me after all.

Troubled Mind (semi-song-lyrical)(orig.)

I have a troubled mind,
Athough the trouble’s mine,
I find I always mind, mind the trouble, yeah.

I get angry,
Oh I get angry. and
I don’t know why it’s true, but, I get angry that I do.

And It’s not me, no,
At least, the one I used to be,
and, it’s not me, no, not the me that I’m trying to find, no..

Somebody help me, won’t
Somebody kill me, cos,
I have a troubled mind,
And everyday I find
My troubles spilling over
On to you, on to you.

Doomsday Daydream

At night the misty rain looks white,
Like powery ash in the cold street light.
I imagine it made from things people had,
Burned now to dust by a world gone mad.
As I walk through it, it brushes my skin,
Fills up my lungs as I breathe it all in.
Particles of people and things they would do,
And I wonder if I’ve Inhaled anyone that I knew.

Silly Wabbit..

Something always draws me back,
Though I’ll admit when I was wrong.
But try an understanding that
Sometimes I ‘m here, but my soul is gone.

Endless aching wears away
Far more than I can spare,
Lays raw my sensitivity,
‘Til I break down and lie, saying I don’t care.

I’ll hide behind glib arrogance and puns,
A child ‘neath her mother’s skirts,
You may be misled if you think i don’t care,
Cos I care so much, it fucking hurts.

And oft I am wont,
To see each struggling step-by-step
As progress in the grind,
‘Til in my ear, a whisper,
And laughter from behind:

‘Silly rabbit’ sayeth life,
‘Trix are for kids…’

Crazy like Coraline.

Sometimes if I’m listening,
Awfully still, no sounds at all,
I can hear the faintest ding,
Of tiny bells behind the wall.

It must be mice’s bicycles,
Of this I’m fairly certain.
The sound it makes is quite distinct,
Down behind the skirting.

It moves around from here to there,
Wherever the mice bikes go,
Perhaps demanding right of way,
Or just saying hello.

They ride around at oddest hours,
To hide the sounds, I s’pose.
They like when folk are having showers,
Or when the lawn-mower goes.

My family and friends think I’m crazy,
They can’t ever hear a thing.
But I know it’s mice, awheeling away,
When I hear that tiny ding-ding!

Lyric fill.

From ‘Buffy, The Vampire Slayer.’

Episode: ‘Once More, With Feeling’.

Song: ‘Something to Sing About’

SPIKE:
“Life’s not a song.
Life isn’t bliss,
Life is just this:
It’s living.
You’ll get along
The pain that you feel,
You only can heal
By living.

DAWN:
“The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.”

Name Calling.

Depression is a zombie,
It likes to eat my brains.
Bipolar is a station,
Mood swings are my trains.
My old self is a graveyard,
She lies beneath the stones.
Loneliness a winter chill,
Always in my bones.

Softly Spoken

My awkward elegance
Fails at the most undesirable moments.
A misspoken phrase is never alone.
Always accompanied by a room
Of suddenly silent witnesses
To the heat and hue flooding my face.

There’s only one way out..

What can I say?
Everyday we’re getting closer.
Some like to jump the gun,
Trying hard, hard to be someone.
Others yet, wishing for much less,
Tend to leave a mess,
But still,
Against our won’t or will,
Everyday we’re getting
Close.

i am. iamb. iambic. iwasic. i was

Bite sized.
The world has made me
Bite sized.

Oh thou melodious eloquent ode,
I mourn the death of thy lengthy meter.

But now
I’m fast food. Take-Away.
Fit-it-in a single frame meme.

Ambiguous verbosity that draws
Gently upon thy wit to eke meaning?

“Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat”.

Feel the spin?

Do you feel it?
When you are down,
Down inside yourself?

Those deeper dives.

The separation and fear.
Silently Screaming
This isn’t me!

All the while,

Clinging desperately,
Tighter still,
To every failing fragment.

Tumbling between

The darkness of the void,
And the bright splintering light of insanity.
Feel that sickening

Sickening spin?

Play it again..

I’m not just a loser,
I’m a bad loser.
So don’t confuse her
For me.

I’ve been playing the same song
For so very, very long,
That I forgot my dream,
Sunlight, coffee and cream.
Now everything just feels wrong.

But there are still no bright halos here,
This gaslamp is unlit.
A long walk in darkness
Leaves these messages well writ.

Haircut

Reckless I,
Hair and life in tangles.
Heedless I,
Hair and life a mess.

Careless I,
Hair and life darker than they should be.
Lazy I,
Should buy a brush.

Losing it..

My mind’s become my enemy,
Playing all these tricks on me.
Is it now, before or after?
Each waking day I’m walking through
Makes each nightmare
Seem softer.
Mixed up, used and self-abused,
My screaming sounds
Like laughter.
Am I collapsing in, or
Falling apart?
Wherefore, my happy-ever-after?

Where do we go, from here?

My thoughts ring out like gunshots,
I feel the wounds within,
The warmth inside me bleeds away,
My soul is wearing thin.

I’m standing here in darkness,
Staring straight into the sun.
My heart unable to decide if
I’m ending or just begun.

The choice keeps getting colder.
Do I end here or begin?
Because before I get much older,
I might end up giving in.

Joke’s on me..


Didn’t get that far through ‘Joker’,
Before I started to cry.
I wouldn’t make a very good clown,
I couldn’t say why.

Movies I see in myself
Always tend bring me down,
Because people are cruel and unkind
To those with a different mind.

You’d have to look pretty hard to find
One more different than mine
Around here.

I can’t put a label on it,
Except that I don’t seem to fit
Around here.

But I still couldn’t tell you why,
A movie of a man who laughs
Is making me cry.

Line Language. (trigger warning)

If pressing blades against my skin,
Until they cut right through,
Pushing them still deeper in,
Is how to talk to you..
Start counting cuts.

Try to see what they might say.
You think I don’t have the guts,
To cut myself away.
But listen hard, no, harder, because before too long..
I’ll be gone.

Plagiarisation

‘I say’, said Alice,
And so she did.

Until such a time,
At another tea party,
In a different rabbit hole,
She heard, reverb, words
She knew were hers.
She recognised well that which she had created,
Now in another place, twisted and restated.
And she screamed with anger.

But her mouth was quite full,
Of delicious cake.
And she choked, and swallowed,
Furious!
Then, on reflection, took another nibble,
And swallowed again.

‘You’, she said most sternly,
‘Have NO RIGHT!’.
‘No right at all’, she continued,
‘To take words that I have wrought,
And use them as your own retort.’

But no one replied, and
With no thief in sight,
She returned, despondently,
To eating cake and thinking furiously to herself,
In between appreciating the silky sweet icing,
How she might, she might..

‘Someone has stolen my words!
I simply can’t abide the pilferring
Of perfectly presentable poetical practice.
Something must be done!’
And something was.

The familiar cry :
“Off with her head” was heard,
And with it, every poetical line and verb
Alice had created here,
Indeed, once there, had dissapeared.

Oops! Something happened to their page.
‘And that’, thought Alice, ‘is that’.

‘But now I don’t know what to say.
They’ve taken my mouth and my voice away.
They’ve taken my words away!’
‘I can’t say what I wish, I wish!’

‘Words and emotions I need to shout!
Going ’round in my head like a fish,
And THEY CAN’T GET OUT’!’

‘An Alice with no voice of her own,’, smirked the Cheshire Cat, ‘is hardly an Alice at all, now is she? My, my, whatever shall she do?’.

‘I suppose I may as well no longer write, Cat’, said Alice.
‘As I cannot speak the words of how i feel then,
In case someone was to simply steal them.’

‘But I don’t know how I might ever mend,
Without all my words to spend,
Like bright pennies at a bakery..’

She had a thought.
Say, do you have any cake?’

Alice sat, munching cake, and taking time out to think on the matter

Unbelonging

She wakes up every morning
Just to die a little more,
And this feeling, unbelonging,
Well she wonders what it’s for.

The world’s a crazy jigsaw,
With no design to it,
And still she always tries so hard
To make the pieces fit.

The clutter of her past life,
Scars from so-called friends,
Too much toxic baggage
In a suitcase of pretend.

Life is life, no meaning,
No laugh, no joke, no prize.
There’s just the punchline friend,
And you’ll find it’s coffin size.

Not this story.

Now I am distilled,
An essence merely to be contained.
Poured into a tiny vial
No larger than a fingertip.
Sealed with scraps of cork and wax.

And this is me.
Relegated to a dusty, insignificant
Place upon a shelf.
There to remain,
Trapped within myself.

And the label,
Now yellowed with age,
Hath spidery writing scrawled,
Barely enough there to see
Words that remain. That say
‘Drink Me’.

Liar, liar, liar!

I write poems how I’m going through Hell,
‘Cos up close I know you can’t really tell.
I spend days getting mentally ready,
So for that one afternoon you think I’m better, already.
Then I go home and fall
In a heap ‘gainst the wall,
Because if I’m better at all,
It’s just putting on elaborate shows,
So that you just won’t know…
I’m not.

It takes me three days to mend,
And then I do it again,
But the laugh is on me,
Because the person you see
Is who you expect me to be,
Anytime, anywhere.

And it’s simply not fair,
Because that person’s not there,
No that person’s not there,
Because that person is me,
And that person’s not me.

Such a perfect disguise
That you believed all the lies,
But it’s to my demise,
’cause when it’s time for the truth
You just believe in your eyes
From all the times that I lied.

Lied, to me and you.

Waste my time, please

I think it could be rather fine,
If you allowed me to waste your time.
There’s a trick when there is time to waste,
But you may like it once you try a taste.

It’s rather dull when you’re alone,
Wasting all that time all on your own.
But if I waste my time with yours,
It no longer rains, it pours!

Running out in the pouring rain,
Laughing like we’re both insane,
Wasting time, side by side,
The world gets wonder multiplied.

All these things and more to do,
When wasted time is times by two,
So please let me waste all your time,
And I promise I’ll let you waste mine.

Blogger’s Insecurities

No one clicked like
On my poem so far,
It’s been almost a minute.
Perhaps I put the wrong words in it.

Still no likes,
With an hour passed by,
I’m not insecure am I?
Still I try not to cry.

Still no likes now
Almost a day,
What on earth did I say?
Are they all ok?

I’ve not been outside,
Perhaps everyone’s died,
I do hope that’s the reason,
For me feeling so small,
<ding>
Oh! A like!!
It’s OK after all…

Dead before due

Around my house
They’re planting cemetery trees,
And there’s no breeze.
No bees,
Forth, or back,
As the flowers all bloom black,
In a garden such as no-one sees.
And the children play no more,
Where once they played before,
Outside my door
In the street.
Nobody can see me now,
At least, unless they choose,
Except the girl that lives in the house on fire
And pretends she has new shoes.
She says hello
From time to time.

Forgetful

I forgot to notice
When I stopped thinking I was ok.
If indeed, I ever considered such circumstance.
Now I am older,
Supposedly wiser,
But still, I find myself lost.
A child in a crowd,
Frightened and alone.
Alone on my own instead,
The crowd is in my head,
Everyone I’ve ever met,
Everything I ever said
To them.
Or maybe ever will,
Still,
I stopped forgetting
To notice if
I ever thought
That I thought I was ok.

Songs & forgotten daydreams

I’m older than this time yesterday,
But younger than seconds hence,
I feel there’s so much more time to spend
On the other side of that fence.

I know all the lyrics to my favourite songs,
But can never remember the tune,
While only the grace of borrowed light
Allows you to see the moon.

I’m surrounded by good looking daydreams,
Of who I want, or want to be.
I’m in love with my ego,
But my ego don’t love me.

Snowbird

Snowbird,
Flown to southern lands,
Settles down with healing hands.
Perfection perching in a tree,
Too high for such as me.

Mächina Me.

This machine is busted, hon,
Of all the lights there ain’t but one, that
Survived the flood of sorrow.

Still, don’t go feeling hard-by-done,
We had our days and maybe one, or
Two tomorrows.

No race was lost, no race was won,
But nonetheless, our race was run, on
Time we borrowed.

But this machine is busted, hon.

That Hated London Sweater

How quickly happiness becomes
A devoured distant moment.
She looks at me, in essence, like
That hated London sweater,
Once gifted by her grandmother.
How she would burn every thread
If such an act could pass without remark.

Like the bright eyes of a Blackbird,
I too have brief, bright moments of hope.
And I hope, indicated by a nod from
The old chess player in the park,
That ‘Things Might Improve’.

Instead he said “things only get sadder.
Be it one lump or two, they all dissolve.
The way each of us dies,
Just..dissapearing..then swallowed
Back into the dark.’

“I’ll tell you plain, that you
Should have expected it by now.
It is as it will always be,
Like an icy dagger,
In her heart, and in her hand.’
He nodded as if I should understand.

But I can’t relax. I’m spinning like
Galaxies around a clock,
And when I chance upon the rarity of a dream,
It’s in white and endless days.
I walk alone, and I weep. Weep
For my Guardian Angel, perishing, always perishing.
Never knowing which pieces are her or me.
Never seeing the tiny bloodstained feathers.

Confusion.

Oblivious,
You just do what you do.
And I can’t help having
Feelings for you.
So (don’t?) stay away.
Stay away?
I’d be lying if I said
I wanted to,
Stay away?
Because all I
Want is you.

Lost

Where’d it go?
The bright star I should follow.
The blackbird or the swallow,
I hoped would guide me home.

For I am lost.

Meandering, misguided and malingering,
Looking for a coloured string
Or breadcrumbs softly scattering
That mark my path unknown.

You may feel lucky when you know where you are,
But unfortunately for me and my stolen star,
This reversely is adversely conversely true,
And I’ve wandered way too far.

And the moment, this moment, well maybe I own it,
Or maybe I’m in a dark room,
Pitch black, with a cat that I’m trying to catch,
Whose existence I only assume.

And my dreams all sprout from darkness sown,
And I’m always and never forever alone,
They forged my last sword into a throne,
An unending game I play to atone.

Swirling in my haunted head,
Promises broken, friends misled,
Choosing one, not the other instead,
What have you got to lose?

Only your dreams, your soul and your shoes,
And the brightly coloured thread.

Wrong Rabbit..

Snared rabbit.

Staring at life, but
Can’t grab it.

It’s a
Bad habit.

Cheaper by tube,
Still cab it.

Reach something,
Can’t have it.

I’m in a
Cold panic.

Taking pills and weed,
Still manic.

Can’t stand it,
Nobody planned it.

Some kind of clue?
Never had it.

Crash my own party like I’m
Mad at it.

Some kind of lifestyle?
Bad at it.

Think I’m simply on the
Wrong planet.

Yeah.

Wrong planet.

Custom Made

I don’t believe in God, the Devil,
Heaven, Hell or Sin,
But if someone did create me
They put too much crazy in.

It was supposed to be a spoonful
But they poured in a whole cup.
Now this mixed up mood of mine
Can’t tell down from up.

‘Oops’ he said, as on he stirred,
Aloud was heard a dirty word.
‘The jar I thought said ‘Vocal Pitch’,
Was accidentally ‘Total Bitch’.’

‘To balance, I’ll add ‘Passive Front’,
‘Oh crap, that was ‘Massive C*nt’.
This one could be trouble now,
I’ve gone and mucked it up.
I know, to make sure no harm’s done,
I’ll add in ‘All Fucked Up’.

Once was Alice

I saw Alice in a shattered mirror,
Barely recognised or seen.
I knew that I’d been out of touch
And asked her how she’d been.
I hoped she hadn’t suffered much.

She said she hurt, like never before,
No drugs worked. No sun anymore.
She looked at me, then I was the mirror,
She said ‘how’s it feel now you’re broken through?
Do you bleed inside? Are you out of your mind?
‘Cause I’m out of my mind too.’

And all that I could say,
Was I even died on good days,
Because every morning feels
Like a spiders’ sting that stays.
And ‘though the ground falls beneath me,
I float because I’m empty.
But deflate too soon.

She nodded, not seemingly surprised.
‘No one sees me either, I’m just dust in people’s eyes.’
‘No words I can believe,
Because they’re designed just to deceive.
I can always see through,
Anything and everything said to
Me.’

I felt her pain, nodded again,
Said it’s lonely here without you.
‘Someones touch, I crave so much.
Even if they hold me and squeeze,
‘Til my insides crush and bleed,
I still wouldn’t get what I need.’

She said they always leave you wounded.
Her torso had a hole,
And it bled right through her soul.
She turned, and she became me,
Or did I become her inside?
The hole was in my torso too,
And that was how we died.

Addicted to pity.

I’m a hypocrite of great degree,
For I think forums hurt more than they heal.
It’s nice to have some sympathy,
But stay out of the hamster wheel.

I have become a child of the dark,
Which inside me grows wild.
Yet at the same time, meadowlark,
Full of brilliant smiles.

So take a forum post as needed,
Fill it with your woes.
Hoping it is read and heeded,
Sympathised by those.

But be wary of the kindness trap,
For sympathy is to treasure,
But if it always draws you back,
Then I advise, take measure.

I know that in the passing days,
I’ve been a victim and a villain.
But with every so called healing phrase,
It’s ourselves that we are killing.

FYI

Lately I’m not doing so well,
Thought you should know.
My mind’s half heaven, half hell,
But there’s no difference I can tell.

I’m standing still as life speeds by,
Thought you should know.
I’m lost in the wood, no bearing.
Bleeding out in the cold, uncaring.

It hurts to be alive,
Thought you should know.
It’s overloaded all my senses,
And I’m left without defences.

Lately I’m not doing so well,
Thought you should know.
In case I go.

Dressed for Depress

I’ve often been to the edge and back,
It’s now a familiar sight.
This might be why I always wear black,
It feels false to wear anything bright.
Cheerful colour is something I lack,
And I never don anything white,
No sporty wear designed for the track,
Somehow it doesn’t feel right.
I only get things from the discard rack,
To better reflect my plight.

Let’s be outspoken

Every single one of us
Has something longing tries.
That speaks from unseen places,
Within each heart, decries.

No grand proclamations,
No great discourse or mystic word,
But a simple desire
To be understood and heard.

With each attempt to make a sound,
Ten will overcome.
Our melodies defeated,
Our vocal chords undone.

Too oft these sounds are violent,
Compelling gentleness to choke and die.
For each of us that has no voice,
Therein shadows lie.

Only obsessive

Sometimes I’m on the edge,
Only held up by your hand,
Your fingertips dictate my fall,
That was my plan after all.

Sometimes I hold on tightly,
As tightly as I can, simply so,
I’m the only one who lets us go.

Am I insane,
To blame the bee if it stings?
Even when I tore off both its wings?

I had so much to say,
Too much to say after all.
In the end, I said nothing at all.

I took your wings,
All of your things,
So you would stay.
In the end, you left me anyway.

But I can still taste honey.

Conformity

It seems I posess a penchant
For inexplicably, inextricably
Colouring on the outside
Of lines they create with such pride
Then insist I remain inside.
I ask for pencils
In Shades of Cezanne Blue,
And lines are just a thing
I want to draw right through.
I felt I was drawing everything alone,
But one day I saw you:
Colouring outside the lines.

More fool, I – Hindsight.

I spend so much effort resistin’
Anything that feels like addiction,
Convinced myself I was winning,
While you were addicted and grinning.

Now I’m not so sure,
What I was put here for,
Always avoiding the dance floor,
Avoiding drugs and drink even more.

Got buried in my own sorrow,
Hating being alive,
While you lived life like tomorrow
Would never, ever arrive.

So who was the idiot then?
Happiest way back when
We had the chance to be carefree.
I thought that I could see
Further than you.
Guess I hadn’t a clue.

You seem happier still,
Moreso than I ever will.
Lately I seem to find
Myself in a forest of pines…

My wisdom but a soap bubble

the first rule

I am Jack’s smirking bravado.
Performing such convincing shows
So all who watch will never know
The depths to which I go.
How I am beaten bloody,
Mind smashed ’til I cry for peace,
But still I grin through broken teeth.
And where is Jack?
Shown his true colours and fled,
While my own true colours have bled
Upon the hands of society.
Eventually I break,
My body and my pride,
Taking more than I can take,
Revealing the fear
I always keep inside.
The first rule of depression,
You don’t talk about depression.

Harder than hardest.

I heard once,
Diamond was the hardest thing on earth.
I think they’re wrong,
Just my opinion, but for what it’s worth,
The hardest thing in any place,
Is resisting confessing to your face
That I think I love you.
By far the hardest thing to do..
Could cleave a diamond right in two.
The only thing that could be harder than that bit..
Is going through and saying it.

Your very own butterfly effect

As you no longer stand
Where you always stood,
This emptiness inside me is so
Poorly understood.
One hundred million butterflies
Together flapped their wings
The moment you departed.
A coiencedntal thing? That did far
More than leave me broken hearted,
Now it’s a massive tidalwave your
Butterflies have started.
As it looms, large above my shores,
I’m left without a life-boat,
All I have are wooden oars.
And although it means that I would drown,
If you need them,
They are yours.

Oh Christmas tree..

My friend wants to take a bit,
Party, Go right off her tit,
Get totally fucking lit,
Like a Christmas tree.

I say “I won’t touch that shit,
Not even the smallest bit,
Because I know that I will like it
Far too much you see.

And when you go too far
I don’t want to do CPR
On the floor of the latest bar
That you’ve dragged me to.”

I told her “In the ending you
Will wind up in ICU,
Face all corpse-pale-blue,
So be careful what you do.

After Christmas trees are cut
They die on Christmas day,
Then they’re burnt or thrown away,
Don’t be a Christmas tree that way.”


Drugs are baad, hmm’kaaay?
Dying is baad, hmm’kaaay?

Enjoy a safe end of year.
Hmm’kaaay?

Easier said..

Dreams are easy to achieve,
If dreams are all you want to be.
The sky may be full of Angels,
With just your lonely star,
But if they’re dancing on that pin,
They won’t be going far.
The only way for you to win:
Be more than it says on the tin,
More than you think you are.

Merry whatever…

Well here we are, it’s time again,
The festive season.
Time to hurt the ones we love,
No rhyme nor reason.

An Angel sits atop the tree,
As something to believe in.
Should e’er an angel come to earth,
May my heart unfreeze then.

If we all got gifts our deeds deserve,
Not rewards just for believing,
There’d be no need to wrap them up,
You can’t hide the truth by deceiving.

Good to heaven, bad to hell?
Some have faith,
But some things
You can’t buy or sell.

We all find what we need to believe,
Don’t need a reason.
I only have faith in what I can see,
Enjoy plastic season.

Faded like a flower.

Whats the time?
Seems I’m already mourning,
I see the sky,
No longer beautiful without you.

And it was good,
But it’s over now.

No more listening on my pillow,
Now it’s buried, in the ground,
No more music, just an air of silence
In my headphones, and all around.

One more clarion belle falls silent.

RIP Marie.

Burning for you..

You say you think you’ll drown
And that you’re lost at sea.
I say keep your eyes on me,
I’ll do my best to be
A guiding light.
You’ll be alright,
Just wait and see.

We’re back to dry land now.
But I never told you how
I started that fire,
Created the pyre
That suddenly saved you.
I think you know it,
But you never show it,
So I stay silent too.

But things are no longer same,
Even though there’s no-one to blame.

But there was nothing to burn, out there at sea…

Only me.

..in a blaze of glory.

I bear the scars of your forty-fives,
You tried your best but I’m still alive.
You used two pistols and magazines,
Shot my heart and destroyed my dreams,
But a heart still works if it still cries,
And I cry.

I’m full of holes from your forty-fives,
You couldn’t have missed me if you tried,
But planned demise isn’t what it seems,
Because I survived all your plots and schemes,
And a thing’s alive if it still bleeds,
And I bleed.

Now I’m immune to your forty-fives,
And when you shoot me, I will still survive.
The slugs are out and the wounds are clean,
So go find better guns, if you’re still keen,
Cos a girl’s alive if she can dream,
And I dream.

Some Days

Some days
I don’t know that you exist,
On others, I don’t even really care.
Some days
I want to slit my wrists,
‘Tho I fear I’ll find but emptiness there.
On so many other days
I’m simply lost inside my brain,
At least the parts that still remain.
And if you cut me all apart,
You’ll find emptiness and pain, no sign of a heart.

But some days
I cannot unremember,
For the sun becomes an ember
When compared to you.
Some days
All that will exist
Are the parts of you I’ve kissed,
So at least I will have all of you.

Some days
You’re my everything.
Some days.

Falling With Autumn

I suppose the trees, in retrospect,
I should have attended, my neglect
Of time’s subtle scythe, and due respect
For their reminder; nature always calls,
And she who answers always falls.
A premonition of my future
Abandoned casually by trees
Crying red,
Dying, dead.
Autumn leaves, as they led
Falling echoes of my life,
Fleeting, fled. Underfoot
On which to tread, and I,
Despondent, sighing said:
‘There lies everything,
Don’t by it’s beauty, be misled.
The whole world and all within ends thus:
These dying leaves are us’.

be careful what you..

Success can make you bleed,
Because what I thought I wanted
Wasn’t really what I need.
And it’s not how I imagined
To walk a mile in those shoes.
Sometimes when you think you win,
You lose.

Late for the Wedding

I turn up at the wedding,
But they won’t let me in,
I must have been specified
‘Unspecified’, again.
I’m sure I’m on the guest list,
Please have one more look,
It’s my sister getting married
So I must be in the book.
Can’t you see that I’m a bridesmaid?
I’m getting kind of harried
And I’d hate to make a mess,
But if you don’t step aside,
I have a switchblade in this dress.

Insomnia

Some might fall asleep with ease,
Such vanity!
Amost equal to the envy
That graces my every weary breath.
These empty, malicious hours
Will not be filled by mere distraction,
Night demands complete attention.
She will be neither shunned nor ignored,
Tearing into your head like sheets of sandpaper.
Time, ever her gleeful accomplice, slows all,
Until the distance between each minute mark
Surpasses all the great oceans as one.
While confined to a coffee cup,
You keep paddling.

Mental Marionette

There seem so many truths,
Which one do I face?
Which one takes the place
On the pedestal?

When I tried to face them all,
They warned me I would fall;
See me falling.
Trying to pretend
That the song will never end,
But for better or for worse
I think I’m running short of verse.

I can pretend at emotion,
Lip syncing to the song,
But the words are all rehearsed,
And each line is getting worse.
All I feel now is an emptiness,
Just nothingness, maybe less.

An undefined ache
Where I thought my soul should go,
But I’ve always been a fake
And I just put on a show.
So convincingly the act
That I once believed the fact
That I could be a real girl.
But oh, Pinoccio,
I should have listened
To you.

Catch 22

If I had anything to say, maybe of interest,
I’d pin the fuckin’ thing up on my pinterest.
But all my conversations now are with myself,
And it’s slowly eating at my mental health.

Like seagulls picking at a whales’ rotting corpse,
The wide beach view is fine, until of course,
You look a bit closer, see the detail,
That’s my sanity: half eaten whale.

I should probably get a friend or maybe two,
I like them in the same way I like you.
Fine until they open up their mouth,
Then I don’t want to hear whatever shit is coming out.

Well, maybe I’m a narcissistic bitch,
With some kind of messed up mental itch,
But if I scratch it ’til it don’t itch any more,
There’ll be chunks of greyish matter scattered all over the floor.

They say you’ll never love someone ‘til you learn to love yourself,
Well Catch 22, here’s a thought, let me share the wealth.
How can I learn to love myself, ’til I’m loved by someone else?
The lesson goes both ways, as most good lessons do,
And because everybody else hates me,
I’ve learned to hate me too.

Nothing for me.

Spent three weeks in an unmade bed,
A pounding in my skull,
Repeating thoughts in my head.
Like the lyrics of a song
Singing ‘please let me die before long.’

I’m trying hard to hold on to the act of holding on,
But even now my own mind wants me gone,
So the line I’m holding onto’s not that strong.
The simple problem with this kind of rope, you see,
Is that it’s tethered far too tightly to my sanity.

Maybe if I enjoyed a single moment,
Maybe if I could control or own it,
I’d be happier alive,
Given a reason to survive,
But all I get is non-stop misery.

So fuck me.
No apologies for profanity.
I’m stuck here in my head, wishing I was fuckin’ dead,
Because there’s nothing in this world that I can see,
Nothing for me.
Nothing for me.

closing time, closing time..

The fun-fair’s coming to an end,
The few poor tokens yet to spend
Have tumbled from my pocket.

I hesitate and weigh the cost,
Move along, or seek them? Lost
Among the trampled grasses.

The mask that lasted for so long,
Now cracked, the smile forever gone,
Has broken, and will not stay on.

The Galaxy Lake

Surrounded by tired clichés,
My mind dies.
Dies again.
A myriad of mortal, mired ways.

As is wont with mind to mend,
I’m drawn to midnight lakes’ embrace.
My freezing, bare-feet thoughtless wend
To every deeper, quiet place.

I forget how elegantly swirling stars
Weave such delicate distractions.
Flickering inside and out
Barely seen refractions.

Starlight floats in darker water,
Gently mesmerising motes.
The lake becoming midnights’ daughter,
Magic and music without notes.

More oft’ my private galaxy,
Calms more than ‘cut’n’bleeding’,
Regardless, tonight my regret remains
Highly caffeinated, thoughts still speeding.

[End pt 1.]

When was it you left?

I never even noticed the clock.
Did it tick?
Did it tock?
Did it not?
Was it frozen in indecision,
In the moment that was lost
When you reached the doorway threshold
And you stepped across?
Stuck? Between that second and the last,
Unable to move on, unable to move past
A fate of helpless observation,
Endless replaying rotation.
A mechanical mind,
Unable to find resolution
Or a hint of absolution,
Sounds so very much like mine.
Because when you left the last time,
When you left for the very last time..
I never even noticed the clock.

the forest for the me’s

I can smile at a party.
After the turn out, I
Turn off my burnt out
Holographic face.

Who

I can greet you on the street
And you won’t even ask
About the chosen mask
I look through out at you.

Am

I can attend a family event,
I’m still quite able
To sit at a table,
Pretending to be me.

I

See the pallette spread before me,
Choose a colour, it adorns me.
Pick the right one, I can be
Anyone I want to be.

?

If I can be anybody, oh so easily,
No difference that any one, not even I can see,
One face or another, all so equally..

Which one is really me?

Sugary Bipolar Low

She brings me spun-shadow,
Like a cotton-candy treat,
Delicate, and deceptively sweet,
She says ‘taste of this’.

Already sugar high,
It’s so easy just to try
Spun sugar with a darker dye,
Just a bite.

But an insidious spiders web,
A sticky gossamer thread
Like fine, fine spun-sugar,
Gets inside your head.

Ensnares you there
In shadows.
Wraps around you,
Like a sticky quicksand glue.

Mired in darkness
That clings and brings
You down.
‘Taste of this’.

Spun-shadow.

Have You Seen This Life?

Have you seen my life around?
Now it’s lost,
I have found,
The whole world wanting.

Not pages torn from fairy tales,
Far stranger by many accords,
No songs to make a million sales,
Or plays stepped out on Broadway boards.

But it’s a dizzy, dancing, summer spark,
A falling, flying Meadowlark, and
All those nights spent in the park
Laughing in rain, and wet, and dark.

Also the sharpest knife that ever was,
A blade that has no par.
It has to be that sharp because
It constantly cuts, with ne’er a scar.

Those kind of days are hard to misplace,
Oft’ tattooed upon my face,
There, in ink you can’t erase,
Writ large the tale, my fall from grace.

Heartlost


Composure,
Yeah I lost it.
My mind, I lost that too.
I lost my heart and everything,
The moment I lost you.
Now I’m shaking and unsure of
How I’m supposed to feel,
My friend’s are so blasé
But to me it’s a huge deal.
My stomach’s in my chest,
I’ve lost track of all the rest,
Each cell in me is bleeding tears.
Although I’ve tried to act my best,
I don’t give a fuck about
Backlash or all that cost,
When all I want is gone,
Heartlost.

Inside Out

So you might think I look ok,
Kinda normal in a geeky-goth way.
But I always dream and dream of the world
Where I’m the ‘trembling, adored, tousled bird-mad girl’.
And I long to have a writing-desk,
Like a raven in a riddle,
‘But there’s something inside,
Trying to eat its way out from the middle’.

“All the world’s a stage…”

We spend
Our whole lives playing
At make-believe and pretend,
When,
Like every song or story,
All songs and stories
End.
We act so well, the human lie,
But acting takes its tole,
For if we are to fit the role,
A piece of us must die.

ForNeverEver

Did you ever never
Stop and ponder whether
If forever is a never
that simply will not die?
Then maybe never is an ever
That was severed from forever
And will eternally endeavour
Wherever, whatsoever,
To reconnect together
From the tragically cut tether
That was in a manner clever,
Keeping ever, never and forever
From being ForNeverEver.

Gradually Infinite.

How did I miss them?
Everyday they came.
So small, it all just seemed the same.
If I noticed without worry, I am sorry.
For each microscopic gap, the infinite tiny spaces,
Gathering gradually over time.
Connecting to make this chasm.
Such a painfully intricate distance
Between hearts.

Pencils

15 boxes of pencils, and
Countless pages, and
I’m still trying to write
How I feel about me.

15 boxes empty, and
More notesbooks full, and
I’m still trying to draw
What I want you to see.

Not Not OK

When your mind is broken
And the world is wreckage
Inside you,
They tell you to say:
That you’re not ok,
No, you’re not OK.

So I said it, I wrote it,
Used my blood to draw,
And what the fuck for?
Nobody listened, nobody cared,
Nobody got what I shared and I shared.
I guess that was lucky,
Because although I had tried
To express how I wish how I really had died,
Express how I hated myself and my life,
How my pain got less with each cut of a knife,
It turns out I was actually, really, OK,

Compared to how fucked I am now anyway.

Young and ‘insane’

Apparently my informed honesty is wasted,
Overwhelmed by stolen analogies and unfriend-me messages.
‘Unbalanced Alice’, so susceptible to mind-space deficiencies
And fairy-tale moonlight monoaminergic rushes.
The happiest of unhappy clowns. Careful never to grow up,
Because adults abuse their lungs and veins,
Simply to achieve the same.