Musicbox Dancer(less)

Through watery eyes, I gaze
Upon a music box not to dance again.
Now a BlackSwan beyond repair,
I know not where, neither when
Such damage could accumulate,
Uncertain even instigate.
Simply that the time has passed, and far too late
For any chance to mend,
She lies broken ‘pon the floor,
No longer there to spin or sing.
Am I to blame? It’s hard to tell, Neuron mirroring.
Both with regrets and torn heart strings,
Musical no more.

How Dare You?

How dare you?
Your inconsiderate butchery
Has cut the music from my throat.

How dare you?
Your pretentious thievery
Has stolen my sole possession.

HOW DARE YOU?
Claim innocence or play the victim.
There is no suspect beside yourself.

How. Dare. You?
Try to take my happiness and trust,
When I gave them to you freely so long ago?

Slow Learner

I tore myself into tiny pieces for you.
So many different fragments,
I no longer knew which were me or what to do.

That was my choice, that was on me,
I never asked for anything returned,
But you just stood and smiled as I burned and burned, and burned.

I put up with so very much I found so very hard,
Never protested the abuse. Neglect. Misuse.
…until I saw your disregard.

You destroyed me once before,
And I still said I’d be there if you called.
And when you did, I dropped my life, and gave you it all.

I gave you our first time blindly, a germinating seed.
A second despite your note of things no-one should ever read.

So why do I feel so empty , knowing I have to say
There’s not enough left of me now
For your third chance to make me bleed that way.

Self Love

Your indifference doesn’t faze me,
Your hate won’t drive me crazy,
Can’t you see that it’s all peachy.?
‘Cos. I. Like. Me.
Well you know that’s a lie.
Maybe the biggest one of all.
The more I build myself up,
Simply the farther down to fall.
So put your distaste on the shelf,
I’ve finally learned to love myself…
Well you know that’s a lie.

Until Stars End

Humbled,
We stand to stare
At a sky of stars we try to comprehend.
Fumbled,
Our hands to share
A connection we can never comprehend.
Mumbled,
A plan as a pair
While stars shine, to stay together ’til the end.

Anniversary Event: Bad Day

Amidst the chaos of our lives
Lies a stillness in which we break.
A moment beyond repair,
Of silence, pain, and despair.
Enfolded in loneliness,
We suffer.
At times, with sorrow so great,
Even our right to tears is taken.
Othertimes, with such an ache,
We hope not to awaken.

Burning for you..

For rhythm, think Buddy Holly..

I admit it’s kinda neat,
Your smile makes my heart skip beats.
Inside, a heat we all mostly know,
Radiates a warmth and glow.

But there’s one thing that I since learned,
As least as far as you’re concerned,
This heart of mine is way past warm,
It’s completely burned and torn.

Well, I simply started smoking,
Just to stop myself from choking.
When I think you see me, but you never do,
I burn my way through a packet or two.

One good thing about fucking my lungs,
The chances increase that I’m dying young.
The sooner that I get to depart,
The sooner ends the pain in my heart.

If I’m to go by slow destruction,
Let it be from internal combustion,
Burn me up, burn me in,
I just don’t know where the flames begin.

Second Chance Sucker

You tore me down,
Said you hoped it hurt
As you left me bleeding in the dirt.
You took my soul, way back then,
But tonight I get it back again.

You said ‘one more chance’, and I agree,
You smile, assume you still know me.
You think you’ll do it again, or you’ll try,
But a new me rose up where the old one died.

You might not think I’m the type to plan,
But when the knife goes in you’ll understand.

Wash Away

Steaming water for my broken heart,
Scented soaps for salty tears.
I try to scrub it all away,
The memories and years.
Scour now, arms once which held you,
Attention, hands which may have touched.
Each part in turn desperately tried
To be cleansed and purified,
So I might finally forget.
But how to scrub clean a heart?
The most affected part.
Shall I cut it out or cry it?
It hurts enough for me to try
It either way.
I doubt there yet remains
Enough water in the world’s whole drains
To wash me free from you.

My Firefly Girl

Stillness.
Silence.
The moonlight overtakes me, and
I have no recourse.
I have lost this race, but I feel
No remorse, surrendering myself gladly
To the empty endless night.
Melancholy melodies
Flit through my unfettered mind and
The sky resonates with the sound of stars.
Silver spoons on silver jars.

And then the wind.

A gentle, flirtatious breeze
Disturbs the stillness with quiet audacity as
I watch you in a dress that I can see through,
Trying hard to catch a firefly, maybe two.
But no matter how fast or free you run,
You can’t catch a single one.

I breathe warm air into your hand,
And hold it still until they glowing, land.
And soon your hand is lit, and you hold it up to see.
‘How did you did you know that’s how the trap should be?’
I smile and I laugh. ‘’that’s how you caught me’.

Sometimes a surprise.

An unexpected visit from out of state,
My parents, unannounced.
The day has me cringing
Like a mistreated dog,
Waiting for ‘those comments’.
But for once they never come.
They say they miss me, and leave,
I exhale, and breathe.
And then I cry as I curl into a ball.
Because just maybe
They don’t hate me after all.

Liar, liar, liar!

I write poems how I’m going through Hell,
‘Cos up close I know you can’t really tell.
I spend days getting mentally ready,
So for one afternoon you think I’m better already.
Then I go home and fall
In a heap ‘gainst the wall,
Because if I’m better at all,
It’s at putting on elaborate shows,
So that you just won’t know…
I’m not.

It takes me three days to mend,
And then I do it again,
But the laugh is on me,
Because the person you see
Is who you expect me to be,
Anytime, anywhere.

And it’s simply not fair,
Because that person’s not there,
No that person’s not there,
Because that person is me,
And that person’s not me.

Such a perfect disguise
That you believed all the lies,
But it’s to my demise,
’cause when it’s time for the truth
You just believe in your eyes
From all the times that I lied.

Lied that every day, I’m OK.

Only obsessive

Sometimes I’m on the edge,
Only held up by your hand,
Your fingertips dictate my fall,
That was my plan after all.

Sometimes I hold on tightly,
As tightly as I can, simply so,
I’m the only one who lets us go.

Am I insane,
To blame the bee if it stings?
Even when I tore off both its wings?

I had so much to say,
Too much to say after all.
In the end, I said nothing at all.

I took your wings,
All of your things,
So you would stay.
In the end, you left me anyway.

But I can still taste honey.

Harder than hardest.

I heard once,
Diamond was the hardest thing on earth.
I think they’re wrong,
Just my opinion, but for what it’s worth,
The hardest thing in any place,
Is resisting confessing to your face
That I think I love you.
By far the hardest thing to do..
Could cleave a diamond right in two.
The only thing that could be harder than that bit..
Is going through and saying it.

Your very own butterfly effect

As you no longer stand
Where you always stood,
This emptiness inside me is so
Poorly understood.
One hundred million butterflies
Together flapped their wings
The moment you departed.
A coiencedntal thing? That did far
More than leave me broken hearted,
Now it’s a massive tidalwave your
Butterflies have started.
As it looms, large above my shores,
I’m left without a life-boat,
All I have are wooden oars.
And although it means that I would drown,
If you need them,
They are yours.

Burning for you..

You say you think you’ll drown
And that you’re lost at sea.
I say keep your eyes on me,
I’ll do my best to be
A guiding light.
You’ll be alright,
Just wait and see.

We’re back to dry land now.
But I never told you how
I started that fire,
Created the pyre
That suddenly saved you.
I think you know it,
But you never show it,
So I stay silent too.

But things are no longer same,
Even though there’s no-one to blame.

But there was nothing to burn, out there at sea…

Only me.

..in a blaze of glory.

I bear the scars of your forty-fives,
You tried your best but I’m still alive.
You used two pistols and magazines,
Shot my heart and destroyed my dreams,
But a heart still works if it still cries,
And I cry.

I’m full of holes from your forty-fives,
You couldn’t have missed me if you tried,
But planned demise isn’t what it seems,
Because I survived all your plots and schemes,
And a thing’s alive if it still bleeds,
And I bleed.

Now I’m immune to your forty-fives,
And when you shoot me, I will still survive.
The slugs are out and the wounds are clean,
So go find better guns, if you’re still keen,
Cos a girl’s alive if she can dream,
And I dream.

Thanks, Bitch.

I said to my friend ‘Most of the time, I just hate being me. I wish I was someone different.
Do other people have those kind of thoughts, or is it just me that thinks that way?’.

She said ‘No, other people wish you were someone different too.’

Some Days

Some days
I don’t know that you exist,
On others, I don’t even really care.
Some days
I want to slit my wrists,
‘Tho I fear I’ll find but emptiness there.
On so many other days
I’m simply lost inside my brain,
At least the parts that still remain.
And if you cut me all apart,
You’ll find emptiness and pain, no sign of a heart.

But some days
I cannot unremember,
For the sun becomes an ember
When compared to you.
Some days
All that will exist
Are the parts of you I’ve kissed,
So at least I will have all of you.

Some days
You’re my everything.
Some days.

When was it you left?

I never even noticed the clock.
Did it tick?
Did it tock?
Did it not?
Was it frozen in indecision,
In the moment that was lost
When you reached the doorway threshold
And you stepped across?
Stuck? Between that second and the last,
Unable to move on, unable to move past
A fate of helpless observation,
Endless replaying rotation.
A mechanical mind,
Unable to find resolution
Or a hint of absolution,
Sounds so very much like mine.
Because when you left the last time,
When you left for the very last time..
I never even noticed the clock.

Heartlost


Composure,
Yeah I lost it.
My mind, I lost that too.
I lost my heart and everything,
The moment I lost you.
Now I’m shaking and unsure of
How I’m supposed to feel,
My friend’s are so blasé
But to me it’s a huge deal.
My stomach’s in my chest,
I’ve lost track of all the rest,
Each cell in me is bleeding tears.
Although I’ve tried to act my best,
I don’t give a fuck about
Backlash or all that cost,
When all I want is gone,
Heartlost.

Gradually Infinite.

How did I miss them?
Everyday they came.
So small, it all just seemed the same.
If I noticed without worry, I am sorry.
For each microscopic gap, the infinite tiny spaces,
Gathering gradually over time.
Connecting to make this chasm.
Such a painfully intricate distance
Between hearts.

Mona Lisa Crash Cart

Her smile is a Mona Lisa Crash Cart.
A work of art that stops and starts
The broken beat of my poor heart.
Her lips are painting perfect, her smile mystifying,
I bet even a single kiss would be electrifying.
When it’s briefly, brilliantly, put on display,
I surge with desire to steal her away.
When I see her, my career ambition
Is ‘art critic with a heart condition’,
So I can see her defibrillating smile play,
As they wheel my body away.

Why So Serious?

Wanna know how I got this scar?
Let my trust stretch a touch too far.
Got run over by the car
That you happened to be driving.

Shattered limbs, broken bones,
Barely breathing, made it home.
Found everything I’d ever owned
Burning on the front lawn.

You said our life was such a mess,
Everything my fault, more or less.
It didn’t hurt much, I confess,
Until you smiled.

Destroy the things I want and need,
Run me down, for I concede,
The only thing that makes me bleed
Is that smile.

Like a knife, it cuts me deep,
Leaving scars I’ll always keep.
You ask me how, but already knew.
I got these scars from you.

Dear Santa..about that heart.

Where do the pieces of a broken heart go
If they’re too fragile to stitch, or you don’t know how to sew?
Are they put back together with some mystical glue,
Or is there somewhere you can go, to purchase one that’s new?

One thing’s for certain, it takes forever in time,
Fresh hearts are in demand, judging by the waiting line.
Installing a new heart must be hard, I’ve no doubt,
But I’m stuck at the part where your insides are your out.

This isn’t really new though, it’s not my first time ’round,
First-timers wait the longest, due to covering fresh ground.
I always ask for Adamantium, for a heart that cannot break,
But they keep giving me a glass one, and no choice but to take.

I never see who does it all, maybe it’s Santa Claus.
If he’s not received my letter yet,
I’d like to add this clause:

“Dear Santa, let’s just skip right to the end,
You can forgo all the material gifts,
If you’ll hurry up and mend
Me.”

ice ice, baby.

I thought I was too cool to care,
Now maybe that’s too true,
There’s an Eskimo outside my door
Building an igloo.

I’ve always wanted to be cool,
But detachment was my reason,
Now I am so very cool,
So cool, I’m fucking freezin’.

Frozen up in isolation
I can’t relate to you.
I’m the White Witch of Narnia*,
Somehow remade anew.

Snowdrifts almost covered me, my igloo and my sled,
I was speechless as you walked away,
Then you turned and said:
‘You know nothing ‘pon snow.
Let it go.
Let it go.’

——

*(though really, you can’t beat Tilda Swinton).

Weekdays

I hate weekdays,
They drag us from our bed,
Where we could snuggle down together,
Keep each other warm instead.
The winter morning chill pervades the room,
Then together, almost as one, and far too soon,
We cast aside the cover,
Glancing shrewdly at each other
Before competing for first shower,
Hot-water, soap, and scour,
While the other makes us coffee,
With toast all buttered down,
Warming frozen fingers,
Wrapped in a dressing gown.
Humming out a cheerful morning song.
Perhaps I don’t hate weekdays all along.

Alone, Together.

You say goodnight,
Time for bed.
Tired eyes,
Sleepy head.

In the stillness of the room
I can hear your gentle breathing,
You have fallen straight to sleep
Before my feet are done unfreezing.

Another icy night,
It’s the middle of that season,
Our body-warmth beneath the quilt
Is not the only reason
To lay here.
To stay here.

I picture monsters in the darkness,
But I’m not much for believing,
There are much worse things by far,
Like the clock hand slowly cleaving.

Cleaving away each helpless hour.
And I lie here, wide awake,
Hours long since passed from evening,
Well into the morning now,
I wonder what you’re dreaming.

Because I’ll lie here with my mind,
My mind all madly teeming,
Body cramping, muscles screaming,
Trying so hard not to move,
Or accidentally waken you.

I’ll lie here all night, suffering instead,
So that you can sleep soundly, when we both share a bed.

Together Forever (not)

So this is what ‘forever’ looks like
From the other side.
A lot like broken promises
And echoes of goodbye.
Like everything you never got
But always thought you’d get.
Like each forgotten lonely grave
Of every childhood pet.
The only thing that’s certain is,
It looks a lot like loneliness.

All the Times

One AM is staring at the ceiling.
Two AM, the window and the moon.
Three AM can’t tell me what I’m feeling,
Four o’clock is too large for this room.

Five is slowly breathing in,
Six is breathing out.
Seven with the sun up brings
Another day without

You.

A Tidy Demise

Unsure, I feel unsafe.
Former pillars and paragons of my life
Now indifferent to my demise,
Pretend to care just enough
To avoid aspersions and lies,
Potential implications of associated guilt.

The small signature attached to the bottom
Is cutting and carelessly impersonal.
A full stop to the note :
‘If you do it, don’t make a mess inside.
I’m the one who has to clean it up.’
Suicide reduced to an inconvenience.
How fitting.

Ungiven

There are plenty of moments
Of heartache I admit,
Some hurt more than others,
And those hurt quite a bit.
But nothing cut me open
As surely and as swift,
As when you walked up
And handed back all of my gifts.
The ones that had meaning,
Given over years.
But you just dumped them in my hands,
Ignoring all my tears.
I confess not knowing what to say,
Never having felt that way.
You walked away, left me to hold
Rejected pieces of my soul.

Shooting my mouth off

I’m dressed to bitch, and
There’s an angry itch
Behind my eyes.
One that says I may be guilty
Of more than one demise.
Imagine their surprise
As I cut them down to size.
My verbal six-shooters hang in cross-draw,
Sights filed down, and furthermore,
With a quick-pull-trigger,
This mouth is set to go off.
‘You’d better run, better run,
Outrun my gun.’

Text me with your best shot

I know you claim I’m gutless,
That I don’t say what’s on my mind,
But you just lack the mental wherewithal
To read between my lines.

Your attempts at clumsy sucker-punch
Text messages aimed at my head,
Will never vitiate my ego much,
Without polysyllabic words instead.

I admit it may be perniferous,
To be consistently superfluous
With every transcription writ,
But no use of simplified language
Will make up for the F in your wit.

Irony

The meadowlark laughed.
Her singular propensity for disregarding
Guilt and sorrow
Made me think of you.
Everyday is such a perfect day
To be down.
Especially days when you’re around.
I try to tolerate such intolerable intolerance,
Given the chance. The circumstance.
It’s not the end
Of the world,
But I still fall
For the straight girl.

Coffee, tears, and misery.

The sun comes up, but you’re no longer here,
Just tangled up sheets and a pillow of tears.
Maybe I should thank you
For some madness in my morning,
At least it won’t be boring
This time.

I take comfort in my coffee cup,
Hide from feelings swirling up.
All that caffeinated sadness,
Barely holding back the madness.
If I could drink you down,
Would it make me drown
This time?

Unseen

Each time you pass me in the hall
I find new depths to fall into,
When all I ever wanted was
Some kind of smile from you.
One meant just for me,
Have your eyes focus and see
Me standing there,
Red faced and feeling small.

Grain

Sitting by the ocean with the break-up blues,
You’re in my head whatsoever I do.
You’re the irritating sand down inside my shoes,
You know I hate you, but I love you too.

I put my heart into a locket,
In an envelope inside my pocket.
Should I throw it in the ocean blue, or
Find someone else to give it to?
Somebody new.

I don’t know why you always reside
Embedded in my mind.
A single grain that got inside,
That one that I can’t find.

You’re an irritation to my heart,
The sand that I can’t lose.
But I know a place that I can start,
I’ll empty out my shoes.

Once upon a lover

How long since gentle hands
Knew well the contours of my face?
My body.
Your hands.

When last did we not kiss,
Rather drink of each others lips
The lingering taste of dew
And morning sun?

Too many days plus one,
My love,
Too many days plus one.

Don’t say it..

The things you said
Have left me stunned.
I wouldn’t say those words
To anyone.

But the knives go in
And blood will run,
For you were not
The only one.

The worst is not how
They cut to bone.
But the feeling now,
I’m all alone.

You’ve said things
You can’t take back,
Then ask me
To forgive you that.

You act as though
There’s nought amiss,
But I don’t know
How to deal with this.

You act as though
There’s nothing wrong,
But everything’s wrong.
Everything’s wrong.